Nightmare...

I never knew how it could have a hard-hitting effect on oneself. Never would it occur to me until last night when I was haunted by a nightmare. Horrified, I broke into sweats upon waking up. Flooding with relief when realised that all were just a dream (or nightmare for that matter), I have the briefest flicker of thought that it would be comforting if there was someone by my side to soothe and ease me back to sleep. Not that I long for one, but being an average girl, I have a vulnerable heart despite my so-called tough front...

Found a dream dictionary on a website:

" In general, ghosts symbolizes aspects of yourself that you fear. This may involve a painful memory, guilt, or some repressed thoughts. You may be afraid of death and dying. Alternatively, ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates a feeling of disconnection from life and society. This dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior. Dreaming that you reach out to touch a ghost, but it disappears indicates that you are taking steps to acknowledging some painful or repressed thoughts even though you are not ready to fully confront them. "

disconnection from life and society? hm... it could be true since I feel so lost nowadays. I used to have a dream and also motivation to work towards my goals. But why do I now feel so disconnected from the world outside? If only I received an acceptance letter from NUS FASS as soon as possible, I will find something to look forward to and I would be assured that I would be 10 times as happy as I am now.

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I have neglected a novel which have flown with me all the way from Chicago. It was discarded on my table ever since I removed it from my bag. Strangely, It seemed to be calling for me yesterday. I was drawn to the hellish pale face of the woman featured on the book cover, and so I made up my mind to finish reading the remaining pages of the Memoirs of a Geisha.

Well, I have not finished reading the whole book yet. Perhaps not in another few days. But I have came across this paragraph which evoked my deepest emotions.

The paragraph goes like this...

'I was nearly run down by an army truck... ...I noticed that my almanac had warned against travelling... ...I'd been looking only for a sign about the Chairman and hadn't noticed mine...'

The author continued the next few sentences which enkindle a thoughful sadness in me.

'What if I came to the end of my life and realised that I'd spent everyday watching for a man who never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realise I'd never really tasted the things I've eaten, or seen the places I've been, beacause I'd though of nothing but the Chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. '

Again, she contradicts herself by saying 'And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give.'

Tell me that this whole paragraph means a lot to you too. Loving someone whom you know would never yield you in return is definitely tiresome.

I believe no one understands the distress and grief behind this better than my grandma. My poor grandmother loved my grandfather with all her heart, giving in to him throughout her life without receiving the same treatment she ought to have for being his wife. Till the day she laid in her deathbed, her whole mind was filled with none other than my grandfather. No mentioning of her children or grandchildren, rather, all she mouthed was how she hated my grandfather for not being a good husband to her. Isn't it true that there is only a thin line existing between love and hatred?

It is so sad that her whole life was dedicated to a man who never returned her his love.

I'll pray for grandma to discover her true love when she reincarnated in her next life.

I'd been in love with this person and undeniably, there were moments of sweetness between us. Yet, knowing that he would never come back to me, still during that period, my entire life was filled with none other than him. Each and everyone of us are bound to experience the bitterness of romance. We always learnt a lesson at the different stages of our lives. Come to think of it, wouldn't the emptiness be overwhelming if one strayed away from romance?

Until the day I meet my soulmate, I choose not to believe in 'together forever' or 'everlasting love'...