to you,

i have no idea why you're always in my dreams and sometimes i would woke up crying. heartache due to guilt. remember the old times when we used to be so close, you would always wanna tag along me to EVERYWHERE. and whenever someone asked what you'd like or what dish would you prefer, you would always replied "i want whatever jiejie ordered." at that time, you were a pest in my eyes 'cos i could never shake you off, especially whenever you gave me that mischievous grin showing me that you succeeded in annoying me, that pissed me off further. we fought a lot, and whenever i was watching television show in mommy's bedroom, he would come in and pester me and disrupted my flow. i was mad, i hit and kicked you, i put all my body weight on your skinny body, i used the pillows to suffocate you and i found joy in doing that[don't forget it's vice versa! you did the same to me!!!], i tried locking the bedroom door to prevent you from coming in to disturb me but you never gave up and kept banging on the door [super irritating], and when i didn't relent, you and all your crazy ideas like switching off the main switch so no A/C no lights, switching off the main TV power so that you had successfully disrupted my favourite tv program pushed me to the edge. you did all these just to force me to open the door. you never know how exasperated i was cos this same routine repeated every single day. at that age i thought i was really stuck to you and i was always coming out with plans and ideas to shake you off.

now looking back at those fond memories, i really miss those days. honestly, you are all i have in my childhood memories cos we were once so close.

i blamed myself for not being a good sister to you. if i were more matured then, if we shared a better communication then, i would be able to help you, to lead you to the right path. i know there are some wounds caused by our imperfect family that is unamendable but i want you to know that all of us, including you, have been trying to bring the family back together again. and i have been shopping a lot for clothes for you cos i wanna do something for you but i realize that material goods would not mend our relationship. i wanna do more for you. i want to be the older sister, a friend to you again. i really want to mend this stain in our relationship. talk to me, share me your problems, and even though i may not be able to help much i would love to share you my experiences and who knows, i may be able to help you to find your goals along the way.

mommy has been talking about you today to xiao yi, about how i always hit you when we were kids and mommy would always scold me instead of you (and i know its always you who started the fight but i always ended up scolded by mommy!!!). she was also laughing very hard when she told xiao yi about our australia trip, about you being so little (like 6 or 7 then) but dare to go on all the rides at Goldcoast, and then finally the pirate ship scared the hell outta you and you shouted "STOP, STUPID STOP!!" hilarious!

so..... talk sometime dude...

i love you and i miss you bro